awryone.com

Anyone want to buy a toddler? She can make you as happy as me...

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 20:25:44 -0500

Anyone want to buy a toddler?
She can make you as happy as me here and I can finally get that IROC I always wanted.

Merry Christmas!

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 16:04:00 -0500

A brush with the toilet.

Brushing the toilet for the guests would arrive

I splashed a spoon on me and it wrinkled my eyes

Thought then of the kids

Ripping the stairs

Down to the gifts awaiting them there.

I finished the job then washed myself clean

Looking into the mirror a bit longer it seemed

Things never done staring back deepest to me

I’m both partner and parent, but mostly much me.

But I’ve just cleaned the toilet!

And the rest to the seams!

Surely that counts?

See how it gleams!

The guests will adore it, they’ll rave it in toasts!

We’ll see whose toilet bowls them over the most.

But, dude, you’re just high, and now talking alone

Holy crap this floor’s smooth and

There’s not one single hair.

Santa will surely sit on this throne

When the gifts have been set and the cookies are gone.

He will roll out a Yule log then be on his way

Merriest, yet, in his less foul-smelling sleigh.

As I sanctioned my stance on the shimmering tile

My little one woke

And I only could smile.

My guess is that if you dress nicely you’ll be okay,...

Tue, 29 Nov 2011 14:45:24 -0500

My guess is that if you dress nicely you’ll be okay, Connecticut.

You can have this one because I hate this one.

Thu, 17 Nov 2011 15:40:17 -0500

You can have this one because I hate this one.

RUN! THE KID ATE ALL MY MESCALINE!

Thu, 17 Nov 2011 07:32:48 -0500

RUN! THE KID ATE ALL MY MESCALINE!

I did not cry, but made out with him afterwards.

Sat, 12 Nov 2011 09:28:42 -0500

I did not cry, but made out with him afterwards.

Yes I am the possessor of vanhalen@gmail.com and no I haven't heard from them yet.

Thu, 10 Nov 2011 15:52:00 -0500

That’s cute.

I am the possessor of JoshuaGreenAllenBlewEddieontheOU812Tourbusandhadhismouthbaby@gmail.com.

nikiwithissues: That time I was all like “what?” WHAT A...

Tue, 08 Nov 2011 11:01:53 -0500

nikiwithissues:

That time I was all like “what?”

WHAT A GORGEOUS SOFA

iPhone Scrabble?

Fri, 04 Nov 2011 00:03:06 -0400

Anyone?
I’m awryone.
Prepare to be ZIPPERED DOUBLE LETTER Z TRIPLE WORD SCORED UPON.

Anyone?

Tue, 14 Jun 2011 14:22:20 -0400

Anyone?

Dueling screamos.

Tue, 03 May 2011 10:44:40 -0400

[Flash 10 is required to watch video.]

Dueling screamos.

Doctors say having this growth removed could kill me but I have...

Sat, 16 Apr 2011 14:05:26 -0400

Doctors say having this growth removed could kill me but I have to believe there’s a chance for a normal life.

My toddler knows more about our country’s leaders than 29%...

Wed, 30 Mar 2011 15:36:42 -0400

My toddler knows more about our country’s leaders than 29% of Americans.

(audio - 49 sec.)

I adore this kid, well I think I do....you see all those times you post irreverent captions below her photos have resulted in me actually believing she came up with that stuff. My girl is 11 now and quirky as all get out, we have so much fun and laughter being absolute fools together. Keep on loving it, methinks you're a great dad and she's blessed to have you :)

Thu, 17 Mar 2011 16:03:21 -0400

In real life, my love for her is no secret. In fact, she’s really easy to love (so long as she keeps fetching my slippers and pooping in her kennel, that is.)

My daughter is learning left from right.

Thu, 17 Mar 2011 15:41:43 -0400

[Flash 10 is required to watch video.]

My daughter is learning left from right.

Fartist

Thu, 03 Mar 2011 13:14:00 -0500

Once a year, I pimp myself out so that I may one day achieve my lifelong goal of being a fat artist. Starving is for assholes, so I’ll work a real job in the meantime.

Perhaps one of you out there has a connection that I don’t, and wants me to owe them a huge favor (I will blow ANYONE, even you there with the strange corndick.)

All you have to do is put my longer than 140 creative output in the hands of someone who can eventually lead me to luxury, getting fatter and fatter and artier and artier until I am the fartiest fartist around.

Here are direct links to my work thus far (in downloadable pdf format via mac filesharing):

Dark comedy about a man who reluctantly inherits a porn shop, then falls for the woman aiming to shut the shop down. GOODMAN: files.me.com/awryone/dbtcen
Feature-length screenplay about a guy who falls into the middle of a murder investigation while trying to quit smoking. Dark romantic comedy. PATCHWORK: files.me.com/awryone/7yr5hb
Children’s story about fitting in. My kids love it, but they’re crazy and malnourished. SQUIRREL: files.me.com/awryone/q4i23z

If anyone can lend a hand, I will always have a hand to lend (and mouth - NO ANAL.)

Josh

PCP IS THE BALLZ! I WANNA WRESTLE COPS!

Fri, 25 Feb 2011 08:46:00 -0500

PCP IS THE BALLZ! I WANNA WRESTLE COPS!

GOTCHA

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 15:55:00 -0500

[Flash 10 is required to watch video.]

GOTCHA

Preparing for the Oscars.

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 15:01:53 -0500

[Flash 10 is required to watch video.]

Preparing for the Oscars.

I’ll stop eating them when you stop buying the stupid...

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 09:21:00 -0500

I’ll stop eating them when you stop buying the stupid canaries, asshole.