Dueling screamos.

Doctors say having this growth removed could kill me but I have to believe there’s a chance for a normal life.

My toddler knows more about our country’s leaders than 29% of Americans.

(audio - 49 sec.)

pufflepie asked: I adore this kid, well I think I do....you see all those times you post irreverent captions below her photos have resulted in me actually believing she came up with that stuff. My girl is 11 now and quirky as all get out, we have so much fun and laughter being absolute fools together. Keep on loving it, methinks you're a great dad and she's blessed to have you :)

In real life, my love for her is no secret. In fact, she’s really easy to love (so long as she keeps fetching my slippers and pooping in her kennel, that is.)

My daughter is learning left from right.

Once a year, I pimp myself out so that I may one day achieve my lifelong goal of being a fat artist. Starving is for assholes, so I’ll work a real job in the meantime.

Perhaps one of you out there has a connection that I don’t, and wants me to owe them a huge favor (I will blow ANYONE, even you there with the strange corndick.)

All you have to do is put my longer than 140 creative output in the hands of someone who can eventually lead me to luxury, getting fatter and fatter and artier and artier until I am the fartiest fartist around.

Here are direct links to my work thus far (in downloadable pdf format via mac filesharing):

1. Dark comedy about a man who reluctantly inherits a porn shop, then falls for the woman aiming to shut the shop down.                                        GOODMAN: files.me.com/awryone/dbtcen
2. Feature-length screenplay about a guy who falls into the middle of a murder investigation while trying to quit smoking. Dark romantic comedy. PATCHWORK: files.me.com/awryone/7yr5hb 
3. Children’s story about fitting in. My kids love it, but they’re crazy and malnourished.                                                                                                              SQUIRREL: files.me.com/awryone/q4i23z

If anyone can lend a hand, I will always have a hand to lend (and mouth - NO ANAL.)

Josh

PCP IS THE BALLZ! I WANNA WRESTLE COPS!

GOTCHA

Preparing for the Oscars.

I’ll stop eating them when you stop buying the stupid canaries, asshole.