Twitter: The Criterion Collection

The truth must be known and the truth is that my ass will not be silenced!

Uncensored video of me performing a @smartasshat tweet.

This is the video I made for Bailey. I am posting it in its entirety because my daughter is in a cage.

I can only assume that the video quality is so bad because it was made on my work computer which is not my fancy mac.

Amazon is now selling the most darling babies!

When I joined Twitter on March 30th, 2007, I had a handful of followers (all of whom were friends, who had been on Twitter longer than that, who followed me back).

I remember my doubting wife saying, “If that stupid site ever goes anywhere and you end up with a bunch of followers - I’ll blow you.”

I then inquired “how many is a bunch?”

She replied sarcastically, “4000.”

4000, people.

4000.

My daughter and I making productive use of a snow day.

No, no … don’t worry about me, I can wait. You go ahead and eat, fatty.

Tell me again about the time you were arrested for selling PCP to a baby? Please, dad?!?

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE MAKING ME WEAR THIS THING, ASSDAD.

PLEASE USE THE DELICATES CYCLE.

Mmm. Rat pizza.